


Undisclosed Desires.

by Alexander_Slamilton



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship (but Bucky can't remember it), First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunited and It Feels So Good, SO, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexander_Slamilton/pseuds/Alexander_Slamilton
Summary: " And, in a way, it is; it’s like they have always been heading to this point. Like this is the route their lives were always going to take. Years of being separated, of Bucky not even knowing who he was, fall away. The sun behind them clears the top of the roof, it’s rays shining down as the morning begins proper; they stay like that, wrapped around each other until something in Steve’s pocket buzzes. "A Winter Soldier AU where Steve catches up with Bucky a little sooner, maybe because Bucky just wanted to go home.





	1. reconcile the violence in your heart

There’s an emptiness to him, as he stares out across the rooftops, this used to be where he felt most at ease, most at home. Now though, the stars face him cold and unfeeling, observers that shed no light on the path he should take. They are the same stars he’s always known, they alone have been his constant companions; they have given him so much, but now they shine on apathetic to his current plight. He wants, no he needs them give him answers, but there’s nothing they can do to help. The Soldier is fractured and broken, like a jigsaw where half the pieces are missing; he wants to be put back together, to be complete. Day by day it’s coming back to him, slowly and painfully, but he’s learning who he was. The wind whips his hair, a part of him, buried under pain and loneliness, knows that this is where he belongs.

Brooklyn is spread below him, lights twinkling in the dark, their orange light illuminating dirty windows and stained brick. Cars pass underneath the little circles of light cast by street lamps, noise from passers-by echoes its way up to his rooftop. Leaning forward over the edge he looks down, the street isn't busy, just a few people staggering home after a long day or perhaps, a night of drowning their sorrows in a bottle. Part of him wishes he could do the same, drown out the days and weeks and months in the bottom of a bottle. He can’t. He’s tried, the evidence lies scattered around him. Broken shards of glass cover the roof, but the drink didn't put him back together, he’s shattered into pieces and there is nothing he can do to repair himself.

“Bucky?” The voice is quiet, cautious, but it startles him all the same. Someone is standing at the door to the stairs. He knows the man, some part of him perhaps wanted to be caught here, maybe that’s why he ran here; maybe that’s why he’s stayed here for three days.

“Steve,” his soul knows this man, his body knows him. He knows this man as his impression is printed on the core of him. The Soldiers, no, Bucky’s soul belongs to Steve, and Steve belongs to him.

“You know who I am?” The man walks forward, slowly, his hands are up above his head. His blond hair is greasy, it hasn’t been cut in a while; he has the beginnings of a beard.

“Your mother’s name was Sarah,” he feels a piece of the jigsaw that is his mind slip in to place; it feels like coming home. “You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” He laughs, he’s broken, torn into little pieces and spread over the world like the people he’s killed. The lights inside of him are out, gone into the wind, but the man in front of him burns bright. Like a moth drawn to a flame, he feels himself being drawn to this man.

“That’s right,” the man’s smile seems to light something inside of him, something that isn’t The Soldier, something that is James Buchanan Barnes. “That’s right, you know me, Bucky. You know me.”

“I know you,” Bucky repeats, and somewhere deep inside of him something is laughing, something is pulling all the little-broken parts of him together. “I know you.” He whispers, watching as the man steps into the halo of light the security lamp has created. “Stevie?” He yearns to fall into the man’s arms, to let himself go, to heal himself by breaking down.

“Bucky,” Steve nods, Bucky can see him properly; he looks as though he’s not slept properly in weeks, his suit is the same one in which he fell into the river in. His hair is lank and dirty, and he’s lost weight, which Bucky realises shouldn’t be possible. But his face, his face is hopeful and so open; emotions play out across it as Bucky moves towards him, Bucky sees hope, fear, and love move across Steve’s face in flashes. Bucky moves closer, so close that they’re almost touching, he can feel Steve’s heat radiating out from him; barely separated by centimetres, they stand there for what seems like hours, or maybe days. “We used t’ live here.” Steve whispers, his voice cracking slightly, “D'you remember that? Is that why you came here?”

“I- I- I don’t know,” Bucky stutters, his brain feels like it’s been taken out and shoved in a blender, it hurts when he tries to think of anything. He can’t remember anything, he doesn’t know where he is; he feels like a lost child. Panic bubbles up inside him like water, crushing his chest, pushing on it; he can’t breathe. Then he feels a light pressure on his shoulder, barely there, but noticeable amongst the noise.

“Hey,” a voice, he knows it’s Steve, “Bucky, you’re in Brooklyn, New York, it is April the 14th 2014. You’re okay, you’re with me, I got you Bucky. You’re not alone, you don’t have to be alone ever again. I’m with you.”

It helps, the voice helps, it keeps him company until his head stops spinning and he can open his eyes again. His breath returns to him slowly, it takes him fifty deep breaths to realise he’s on the floor. He’s crouched with his back to the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms locked around them. Steve is next to him, far enough away to give him space but with his hand resting lightly on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky focusses on the sensation of touch, he’s not used it and the warmth of another person (one who isn’t there to hurt him) bleeds into his skin. He leans into the touch, and then he feels himself being drawn into that heat so that his head lies in Steve’s lap.

“When I first woke up,” Steve takes a deep breath, the words feel like they have been weighing up him for a long time. “When I first woke up, the only thing I could count on being the same were the stars. Everything else had been ripped apart and changed like my world had shattered around me, like I had shattered too.” There’s a hand on his head, moving through his hair, brushing it back from his face. Bucky feels himself go limp, for the first time in decades he can feel his body and mind letting go. “I used to go to the darkest place I could find and lie there for hours looking up at the stars, picking out the ones you’d shown me, giving the others names I’d made up back then. I used to think about the fact that back in the past, we’d looked up at the same stars together. Even when most everything got too much and I felt like the floor had been swept out from under my feet, or when I could feel the plane crashing into the water; even when that felt so real, the stars were always there for me. I knew I wasn’t alone. Not when I had hundreds and thousands of lights pointing me right.” Steve sits there, his legs stretched out in front of him, Bucky’s head in his lap. He sits on the roof, the stars in the sky barely visible in the light of New York, he sits there as Bucky falls apart. “It’s okay, I’m with you, I’m here.”

***

Bucky wakes up on the roof. He’s curled against something that feels like a space heater. His head is cushioned from the ground; all in all, he’s slept in worse places. Steve cracks one eye open to look at Bucky; Bucky doesn't think that he’ll ever see anything as beautiful as Steve framed against the early morning light. New York is waking up around them, Bucky can hear the hum of traffic and the voices of people going about their day. Thoughts move about his head in that early morning way, lazy and reluctant to follow any sort of pattern. What happened last night comes back to him slowly; he broke down and Steve put him back together, for the first time in a long time he truly felt like Bucky Barnes. A light breeze tracks its way across the roof, making a plastic bag shift and skitter along, rustling as it went. Birds call from the trees which are below them, Bucky knows the birds, he’s been listening to them since he was born. Another first is how lucky he feels, how lucky he feels to be listening to the birds now, and how lucky he feels to not be alone anymore.

“I didn't want to move you,” Steve whispers, afraid to break the easy peace they’ve found themselves in. “I didn’t want you to wake up someplace you didn't know. I did call a ride for us, it should be here in a few minutes.” The hand is back in his hair, tracing patterns against his head, it steadies him, holds back the storm for a few more moments. “I can cancel it too, but I don’t know about you, I could do with a shower and a shave.”

“Don’t shave,” Bucky mumbles into Steve’s thigh, “I like the beard.” He can feel Steve huff out a laugh, he feels contentment rise up inside him, dissolving the panic, and the tiredness and stress he’s been carrying around with him for the last few years. Steve’s hand moves from his hair, down his spine, till its stroking up and down his back; Bucky matches his breathing to the movement, letting that push away the doubt that had slowly started to creep up.

“Alright, I’ll give the beard a try, I’m not in the army now so I might as well,” Bucky looks up again, Steve smiles down at him. “You still with me?” Bucky nods, “good. Our ride will be here soon if you want to take it?” Bucky nods again, he still feels anxiety swirling around inside his gut, but with Steve by his side, he’s ready to take on anything.

“Where’re we going?” Bucky keeps his gaze on Steve’s bright blue eyes. He lets himself be carried away by the quiet strength and confidence he can see in them. Steve has never hidden anything from him, he can remember the nights that they would sit and talk about everything. Huddled together under five blankets as New York froze around them. There has never been anything hidden between; from quietly terrified confessions in the dark to rare arguments over the silliest of things. They are brothers, friends, and Bucky, Bucky is completely and entirely in love with Steve.

“Oh, yeah, about that.” Steve pauses, a smiles a little, “I sort of live in Stark Tower, with you know, with the other Avengers. Since SHIELD went down, Stark, Tony said that we could camp out there. So, that’s well, that’s where we’re going. If that’s okay, I mean I do have an apartment in Brooklyn but it was SHIELD owned so I don’t know, and I guess you sort of shot it up a week or so ago so.”

“That big ugly building?” Bucky asks, his face screwing up, “The one that had Stark’s name emblazoned on the front of it. You live there?”

“Um, yeah,” Steve smiles. “I already told him everything, you know. I told him and he didn’t care, well he doesn't anymore. I told him that you and I, we’re a package deal, always were. He said that if you were back, and okay then you could come too.” Steve looks so hopeful, he says the words tentatively, he shrugs a little.

“A package deal?” Bucky sits up, but he doesn't break contact with Steve, he keeps himself tucked into him.

“There ain’t no me when there ain’t no you, you know that, Buck. It’s always been like that,” Steve cups the back of his head and brings their foreheads together, their breath mingling in the slightly chilly air. Steve’s hand is big enough to cover most of Bucky’s head, its the same but different all at once, his fingers are tangling in Bucky’s hair, and they’re so close that there’s barely any room between them. “We’ve always been one, and we’re always going to be, even if you don’t feel like you right now; I’m always going to be there, from now on. I’m not letting you go, not when I just got you back.”

“And, Stark, he knows everything?” Bucky whispers, fear starting to curl into the pit of his stomach, “everything? And he’s still letting me in his house?”

“He’s a good man,” Steve says simply, he kneels up, bringing Bucky with him, and pulls them into a rough hug. Bucky feels himself let go again, in Steve’s arms, memories of his life come back to him; things that he’d hoped were just horrible dreams, they fly past his eyes. Though he feels safe, and warm and, something that he hasn’t felt in years, he feels loved. “No matter what, I am with you.”

“Till the end of the line?” Bucky nods into Steve’s shoulder, he feels the embrace tighten, one of Steve’s hands on the back of his head; the other around his waist.

“And back again,” Steve’s smiling, Bucky can feel it against his neck, then they’re laughing and crying. Bucky can feel the last few pieces of the jigsaw slot into place; he’s not whole, not just yet, but with Steve by his side, he feels like he can do almost anything. He’s not sure which one of them leans forward first, but moments later they’re kissing. Both of them kneeling on a rooftop in Brooklyn, surrounded by shattered pieces of glass, kissing like it’s the most natural thing for them to do. And, in a way, it is; it’s like they have always been heading to this point. Like this is the route their lives were always going to take. Years of being separated, of Bucky not even knowing who he was, fall away. The sun behind them clears the top of the roof, it’s rays shining down as the morning begins proper; they stay like that, wrapped around each other until something in Steve’s pocket buzzes.

“Are you with me?” Steve asks standing up, offering Bucky his hand, Bucky takes it, with a grin and doesn’t let go even as he gets to his feet.

“Yeah, Punk, I’m with you,” they walk off the roof together, neither of them quite willing to let the other go, even as they get into the car. Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever let go of Steve again, and he’s pretty certain that Steve will never let go of him. Not while there is still breath in his lungs.


	2. you are the one

The morning dawns with hazy light, pale gold rays spreading through the room. It glitters through the shutters on the windows, and lies lazily on the bed. Bucky turns to face the figure stretched out beside him slightly shaggy blond hair has fallen over Steve’s forehead in sleep. Strong arms reach for him; so he snuggles gratefully into them, valiantly trying to defy the sun’s call to wake up.  
   
The universe seems to hum in lackadaisical harmony, for once. For the first time in a long time ripples of contentment emanate out in quiet waves. Peace and light blanketing Bucky in warmth. He feels almost serene in his place in Steve's arms, he feels as though he fully belongs here. The sheets are clean and soft against his skin; Steve's bare chest snug at his back, he never wants to leave this bed.   
   
Their legs seem to have tangled in a heap, flushed together skin to skin. His is toe rubbing circles on to Steve's calf, enjoying the feeling of downy hair. The man, usually standing tall is small and vulnerable in sleep; Bucky feels almost inclined to call him cute. He has obscenely long eye lashes that fluttered lightly in his rest, they hide the gorgeous blue eyes that Bucky drowned in so long ago.   
   
He twists round to face Steve, brushing his fingers softly against the baby soft hairs on his brow. His fingers draw through the feathery strands; and he luxuriates in it, he knows not to take any peaceful moment for granted. Steve sleeps on, breathing deeply at peace and relaxed in a way he hasn't been for months, it is almost as though all the stress from the previous weeks has left him suddenly all at once.   
   
Stark Tower in the morning was like nowhere else in the universe, it seems to hum; he knows that the walls here are teeming with electricity, and intelligence. He’d been introduced to JARVIS yesterday, and he’s not quite sure how he feels about the AI, it feels almost like he’s being spied on. Though, he is far too peaceful to care about that now, not from where he lies ensconced in Steve’s embrace. Life and light filtered in through Bucky’s mind, dragging him further in to wakefulness. His ears are no longer filtering out the sounds of the traffic that constantly clogs Manhattan’s streets; it is pulling him in to the waking world insistently. Bucky refuses to get out of the warm encasement he is currently in. 

Thoughts start to trickle in to his mind like water from a brook, they quickly surge forward and become a terrifying tidal wave. He isn’t thinking of anything in particular but the gears are turning all the same, the peace of the morning is shattered into pieces. He can feel the guilt and horror of the previous days rushing towards him like a tidal wave, he knows that he doesn't deserve the light and warmth he is feeling now. None of the people he killed would get their rest, none of their families would feel this warmth and happiness, so why should he? Why does he get a happy ending when so many others don’t? He feels sick, one of those people has given him this home, he took happiness away from that man and in return that man has given him a home. Bucky feels his chest go tight and his breathing speed up, he can’t handle the guilt, he can’t handle the horrible things he’s done.   
   
“Stop. Sleep.” Steve pulls Bucky closer in to his chest, he presses soft kisses into the top of Bucky’s, brushing his hand through Bucky’s hair. Bucky buries his face into his lover’s chest, and tries to control his breathing. “You are safe, and you deserve this.” It’s like Steve can tell exactly what Bucky is thinking. “You are thinking far too loud for this time in the morning. We still have a few hours to sleep. I love you.” Steve whispers, kissing Bucky’s forehead. “I love you so much. You deserve to be here Bucky. You deserve a happy ending.” Bucky cries for the second time in two days, the emotions are too much for him to handle and they spill down his cheeks and on to Steve’s chest. “Hush, sleep.”  
   
Steve is like a barrier to Bucky’s worries, the thrum of life and heartbeat is comforting him; lulling him back to sleep. Bucky can feel himself start to relax, he can feel his breathing slow and calm; he presses a kiss against Steve’s chest. Steve yawns and wriggles slightly, chest expanding and contracting under Bucky’s cheek. His fingers card through his hair, stroking softly and deftly; separating the strands with a gentle touch. Steve sits up just a little, enough so that he can pull Bucky up to him, he smiles softly before pressing their lips together; the kiss is chaste and sweet. Bucky breathes as their foreheads press together, in the warm morning light, the sun warming the skin of Bucky’s back. Steve’s hands move them so they’re lying down again, Bucky is tucked under Steve’s chin. He is completely wrapped up in Steve’s arms, they are loose enough so that he could break away if he wanted, but tight enough that he feels completely bundled up; his only feeling is that of being warm. Bucky feels so safe and so loved in that moment that he once again drifts off in to unconsciousness.  
   
Steve Rogers is sure that, in that moment, there is no more beautiful a sight than his sleeping lover. Save for maybe his lover awake. He smiles and presses a soft kiss into Bucky’s hair, vowing to never let him go again. He vows to keep him safe, knowing that Bucky would do the same for him if he ever needed it. Steve has never felt love like this, even before, he loves Bucky so much that it is sometimes overwhelming, but in this moment he is completely at peace as he lets his eyes shut and sleeps with Bucky safe and well in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I just needed them to be happy... please... just let them be happy...
> 
>  
> 
> might add more in the future idk...

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Stucky, so please be gentle, if you liked this maybe leave a kudos, or if you want to make my day leave a comment. Idk... I hope you enjoyed this!!!
> 
>  
> 
> I have a marvel tumblr so come and yell at me there: @wxntxr-sxldxxr


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